It’s 3:07 PM, and I’m Still in My Pajamas // Sabrina Bazile

i post selfies on Instagram to affirm that i am potentially good looking.

i post my best selfie after taking 17 pictures, all at the same angle where my head is tilted to the right like an airless doll, and finding the best light, until I realize that i hate all of them.

the 3 likes i get make me mildly aware of my self until i look in the mirror and feel so ugly that i

don't deserve to live.

the five rows of selfies on my camera roll are my attempt to like myself.

i hate going on instagram now.

i don’t want to see other people living better lives than me, even if it is just a popularity show.

seeing constant perfection and girls with big asses and showcases of wealth, or fake wealth, is

detrimental to my health.

no one wants to see reality.

i wish i had the luxury of saying "not gonna lie, my life is pretty good right now," because i was

invited by a designer to live tweet the new menswear collection in paris.

i wish someone could just give me money and i could spend it

on givenchy mid-ankle boots

i wish i could be a socialite—

my face as the money-maker

i want people to give me money

i don’t necessarily think i deserve it;

i’m just paralyzed by incentive and competitive spirit

unproductivity would lead me to rot,

yet over-productivity leaves a shell of myself

how do i even reach 100 followers on instagram

how can i make money easily from social media

how can i get invited to cool fashion shows in paris

how can i have an adidas daddy who sends me yeezys

how do i make this happen without doing a lot of work

social media has made it so that being a 23 year old urban planning graduate student with a

marketing degree isn’t success; success means making $1,500 every time you post yeezy boosts

and getting free shoes from adidas and nike as a “brand ambassador.”

success is having a big ass

i graduated with a business degree, but i quit business because competition made me depressed.

i was drowning under entrepreneurial spirit, trying to be the next Evan Spiegel.

this generational trend to "be someone," to make a name for yourself and to carve out your

personal brand online is suffocating.

i’m inadequate

i’m not a fashion blogger

i’m barely a writer

i’m a fraud

i’m not relevant

i haven’t submitted any writing to dazed & confused

i've lived too long on the internet

it's time to move somewhere else

where i can be myself

//

Sabrina Bazile is an MSc City & Regional Planning candidate who lives in Brooklyn, NY. She is fighting for equitable urban design and placemaking for public housing residents. @sabrinabzy