• Russell Jaffe

ROH Global Wars: a card decoded

The following is the actual text of the Ring of Honor: Global Wars card from the RoH website. I have decoded it in purple to unpack and translate meaning and significance:

This October, Ring of Honor and New Japan Pro Wrestling team up again to bring the best wrestlers from around the globe to compete in the United States! If the past is any indication, you can bet that these will be some of the greatest bouts in wrestling history and you will not want to miss the chance to be there live!

This October, Ring of Honor will be allowed to once again act as a portal for perfect, mighty, strong, handsome New Japan Pro Wrestling, and they have graciously allowed our wrestlers to be cannon fodder for their stars! We're totally still a company and we totally have something to offer New Japan! If the past is any indication, you’ll get to see how awesome New Japan is live in some of the greatest you-can-sit-and-watch-New-Japan’s-stars in the same building as you moments in the history of this month and you will not want to miss the chance to be there live!

New Japan will be here!

We've had some trouble getting wrestlers to stick around right now.

BUT NEW JAPAN!

ALREADY SIGNED:

BULLET CLUB (ROH WORLD CHAMPION CODY & ROH WORLD SIX MAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS ADAM PAGE & THE YOUNG BUCKS) vs. SEARCH AND DESTROY (ROH WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS (ALEX SHELLEY & CHRIS SABIN), JONATHAN GRESHAM, & JAY WHITE)

BULLET CLUB: WILL THEY MENTION YOUTUBE?! WILL THEY MENTION JIMMY JACOBS? WILL THEY BUST OUT A PAPER THEY CLAIM IS A RESTRAINING ORDER FROM THE WWE?! THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO CHANT “TWO SWEET (CLAP, CLAP)!” ALSO: REMEMBER WHEN THE MCMG’S WERE AWESOME? ALSO: THIS NEW JAPAN YOUNG BOY AIN’T SO YOUNG OR BOY ANYMORE! ALSO, JONATHAN GRESHAM! I HEARD THAT NAME ON THE INTERNET—HE HAS A NAME LIKE A MID-LEVEL CORPORATE ACCOUNTANT OR SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR POTBOILER ACTION MYSTERIES ON SALE AT THE AIRPORT, BUT HE APPARENTLY DOES OCTOPUS STRECHES IN INTERESTING WAYS. JONATHAN “HEARD ABOUT HIM ONLINE” GRESHAM.

IWGP UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP

IWGP US CHAMPION “THE CLEANER” KENNY OMEGA vs. YOSHI-HASHI

“THE CLEANER” KENNY OMEGA (WITH HIS IWGP US CHAMPIONSHIP TOY) vs. SOME MAN

er,

WAIT, WHO?

uh,

OH YEAH, THAT GUY!

from CHAOS. Like, sort of a smaller looking Kojima, actually, maybe not really. He has dyed hair?

THE ONE THAT’S ALWAYS COMING IN AND BREAKING UP THE PIN FOR CHAOS TAG MATCHES, AND ALSO GETTING PINNED,

AKA

“THE CLEANER” KENNY OMEGA (WITH HIS IWGP US CHAMPIONSHIP FORMALITY) vs. WHO GIVES A FUCK, I BOUGHT A TICKET TO SEE THIS GUY, HE COULD RUN THE ROPES AND I’LL BE SATISFIED

“THE VILLAIN” MARTY SCURLL vs. HIROMU TAKAHASHI

“THE VILLAIN” MARTY SCURLL, who IS NOT YET IN NXT, vs. HIROMU TAKAHASHI, who HOW MANY STUFFED ANIMALS WILL HE BRING, AND HOW MANY BUMPS WILL THEY TAKE?

YOU'RE HERE FOR A STUFFED CAT AND YOU KNOW IT

FLIP GORDON vs. “THE AERIAL ASSASSIN” WILL OSPREAY

FLIP “COME ON, GUYS, GIVE HIM A CHANCE” GORDON vs. “THE INSIDE JOKE ABOUT A CAT THAT REALLY ISN’T THAT FUNNY, AND THAT SEEMS TO BE WHY IT’S GETTING OVER, AND PLEASE, CAN YOU SELL A LITTLE? SERIOUSLY, I’M NOT TRYING TO BE JIM CORNETTE AND SAY YOU’RE TERRIBLE OR NEED TO DIE, JUST DON’T KILL YOURSELF AND POP RIGHT BACK UP, IT’S NOT WORTH IT, UGH! I HATE FEELING THIS WAY. CAN’T I JUST WATCH PRO WRESTLING WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT SOMEONE HURTING THEMSELVES FOR THE SAKE OF BEING OVER? BUT HE IS OVER, AT LEAST WITH THESE FANS, SO I DON’T KNOW, THERE’LL PROBABLY BE A LOT OF LEAPING, SOARING CUTTERS” WILL OSPREAY (PROBABLY IN CATE FACEPAINT)

FLIP GORDON vs. OK, HOW MUCH IS THIS AN INSIDE JOKE? LIKE, ALL OF THIS? AND WE'RE THE INSIDE?

JAY LETHAL, MARK BRISCOE, & ROH WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION KENNY KING VS. SUZUKI-GUN (NEVER OPENWEIGHT CHAMPION MINORU SUZUKI & IWGP HEAVYWEIGHT TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS KILLER ELITE SQUAD)

HASN’T GONE TO NXT FOR SOME REASON, HASN’T GONE TO NXT BECAUSE IT WAS A BIT AFTER HIS PRIME, PLUS NOW HE’S HURT, SO SOMEONE ELSE & ROH WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION HASN’T GONE TO NXT AND WAS ON THE BACHELOR BUT THAT ISN’T TRANSLATING TO GOING TO NXT VS. NEVER OPENWEIGHT CHAMPION OH MY GOD, MINORU SUZUKI, IS HE GOING TO ACTUALLY HURT SOMEONE?! NO, BECAUSE THEN HOW COULD HE HAVE HAD SUCH A STORIED CAREER...OR WILL HE?! & OH SHIT, THESE GUYS GOT A LOT BETTER SINCE WWE, WOW, WAS IT REALLY THAT LONG AGO? SHOULD I TRY CHANTING “HOYTAMANIA?”

IWGP JR. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION KUSHIDA & CHEESEBURGER vs. THE ADDICTION (CHRISTOPHER DANIELS & FRANKIE KAZARIAN)

IWGP JR. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DAVE MELTZER SAYS THIS GUY IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME AND IT BASICALLY GOES KUSHIDA > LOU THESZ > NATURE BOY BUDDY ROGERS > NATURE BOY RIC FLAIR AS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING AS AN ART FORM & I HEARD THIS GUY WAS LEARNING JAPANESE, HE’S IMPROVED TOO, HOW COME ROH STUDENTS ALWAYS FEEL LIKE STUDENTS FOREVER? vs. THE ADDICTION (TNA DROPPED THE BALL WITH THESE GUYS SO BADLY. THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT—UGH! NOTHING LASTS FOREVER! ANYWAY, GLAD DANIELS FINALLY WON THE BELT. I ACTUALLY SAW HIM IN ’99. YEAH, HE HAD THAT HAIR...I HEARD HE DOES SOME KIND OF WATERWORLD THEMED STUNT SHOW NOW. HOPE HE’S MAKING MONEY. KAZARIAN MIGHT HAVE A BAND? YEAH, HERE THEY ARE ON YOUTUBE! WOW, SO BAD

TORU YANO vs. COLT “BOOM BOOM” CABANA

TORU YANO SHOULD BE REALLY FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING vs. COLT “I’M SO SICK OF HIS MATCHES, HE’S REALLY NOT THAT FUNNY; I WANT TO GET A BEER BUT I DON’T WANT TO MISS TORU YANO...ALSO, APPARENTLY HE WON’T TALK ABOUT CM PUNK, SO I CAN’T SHOUT ABOUT HIM TO HIM WHEN HE’S AT THE MERCH TABLE THE REST OF THE SHOW) CABANA

SILAS YOUNG & BEER CITY BRUISER vs. BEST FRIENDS (CHUCKIE T. & BERETTA)

SILAS YOUNG HAS BECOME SUCH AN MVP, THAT INTERVIEW WITH HIM ON COLT’S SHOW WAS AWESOME; HE’S A SWEET, CHILL SEEMING GUY WHO CHANNELS HIS HORRIBLE FATHER FOR THIS CHARACTER AND HE’LL NEVER GO TO WWE BECAUSE HE SMOKES WAY TOO MUCH WEED & WE ARE ALL BEER CITY BRUISER vs. BEST FRIENDS (THE ONE GUY WHO SAW LITERALLY EVERYONE AROUND HIM BECOME WWE ICONS BUT HE NEVER DID, WHAT’S HIS NAME TODAY? CHUCKIE T. & IS HE A SERIOUS WRESTLER OR A COMEDY WRESTLER? DOES HE WANT TO BE HERE? I’M UNABLE TO TELL BERETTA)

Ring of Honor will be hosting special meet and greet autograph sessions prior to each stop of the Global Wars tour! These special sessions will begin 90 minutes prior to each event's advertised bell time.

Ring of Honor will be maximizing punishing awkwardness and giving you an opportunity to get drenched in sweat by getting autographs and pictures prior to each stop of the Global Wars tour! These special sessions will begin 90 minutes prior to each event’s advertised bell time and within eyeshot of the merch and overpriced pizza.

Below is the list of ROH stars appearing at Global Wars: Chicago, as well as our pricing options to ensure you get all the autographs you want!

MINORU SUZUKI WILL HE BE WEARING HIS FEDORA? WHAT, YOU DON'T FOLLOW HIM ON INSTAGRAM? DO YOU EVEN LIKE NEW JAPAN

KILLER ELITE SQUAD (DAVEY BOY SMITH JR. & LANCE ARCHER) WALK BY AND CHANT HOYT-A-MANIA, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE

KENNY OMEGA AKA THERE WILL BE A HUGE LINE

YOUNG BUCKS HUGE LINE HERE, TOO. SO MANY TOO SWEETS

MARTY SCURLL IF YOU WAIT IN THIS LINE YOU ALREADY HAVE A BULLET CLUB UMBRELLA

CODY MORE EXHAUSTED FROM QUESTIONS ABOUT STARRCADE THAN ACTUAL MATCHES

HIROMU TAKAHASHI HUGE LINE, IF THERE’S ANY JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD. SERIOUSLY, THE HIGHLIGHT—OR LOWLIGHT, DEPENDING ON WHO YOU ARE—OF PRO WRESTLING IS HOW MANY PICTURES PEOPLE ARE GONNA TAKE AT $10 A POP WITH A FUCKING STUFFED ANIMAL. “There’s a beautiful art to scamming people.” (COUGH buy my book COUGH)

YOSHI HASHI

YANO THE RIGHT PEOPLE ARE IN THIS LINE. THE PEOPLE YOU SHOULD KNOW

KUSHIDA PROBABLY A RESPECTABLE LINE

JAY LETHAL REALLY THOUGH? HE’S A GREAT WRESTLER...I DON’T KNOW, I THINK I’M GONNA NOD TO HIM—WAIT, HE DIDN’T NOTICE, I’M GETTING POPCORN

INTERMISSION - BULLY RAY SERIOUSLY. BUT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY "...DIVE" TO HIM? ARE YOU A TRUE FUCKHEAD?

PRICING IS AS FOLLOWS

Singles Wrestlers - $20 (1) Personal item or 8x10 (ROH supplied) signed & (1) Posed Photo

Tag Team Wrestlers - $30 (1) Personal item or 8x10 (ROH supplied) signed & (1) Posed Photo

FANS LOVE CONFUSING PRICING/PLEASE, NO UNDERGARMENTS

PPV / iPPV / VOD

Local Time: Sunday, Oct 15, 2017 07:00pm CDT

Odeum Expo Center1033 North Villa AvenueVilla Park Illinois 60181

The Odeum: Come for the ECW-Ran-Here Memories,

Stay for the Hole in the Ceiling We Swear We’ll Get Around to Repairing

and the Men’s Room That’s Just a Bunch of Bales of Hay to Piss On

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